What is self-sabotage?.. and how to get rid of it
What is self sabotage
Self-sabotage occurs when you undermine your goals and values, acknowledge that something you want and think is good for you (eg avoiding those 20 pounds you lost), but then do things that directly contradict that goal (eg eating out). late night), and more importantly, self-sabotaging behaviors can be conscious or unconscious depending on how aware you are of them:
- Conscious self-sabotage is when you're aware of the fact that what you're doing is undermining one of your goals or values, for example: You remember that you needed to pick weeds in the backyard but decided to play video games instead.
- Unconscious self-sabotage is when you do something that undermines a purpose or value but you don't realize it until after the fact, for example: People who have an intense fear of failing at their jobs often develop an unconscious habit of showing up late or doing a sloppy job as a way to avoid promotions or Increased responsibility that would lead to higher expectations and thus a greater chance of failure.
Self-sabotage occurs when you undermine your goals and values, acknowledge that something you want and think is good for you (eg avoiding those 20 pounds you lost), but then do things that directly contradict that goal (eg eating out). late night), and more importantly, self-sabotaging behaviors can be conscious or unconscious depending on how aware you are of them:
- Conscious self-sabotage is when you're aware of the fact that what you're doing is undermining one of your goals or values, for example: You remember that you needed to pick weeds in the backyard but decided to play video games instead.
- Unconscious self-sabotage is when you do something that undermines a purpose or value but you don't realize it until after the fact, for example: People who have an intense fear of failing at their jobs often develop an unconscious habit of showing up late or doing a sloppy job as a way to avoid promotions or Increased responsibility that would lead to higher expectations and thus a greater chance of failure.
Reasons for self-sabotage
Just as self-sabotage can take countless forms, there are many ways this behavior can be caused and developed, and it is important to know:
- There is no single reason for self-sabotage.
- Searching for a simple answer is often a sign that you don't understand what self-sabotage is and what it takes to work through it.
- Some people use it judgmentally, as a form of criticism of someone they consider lazy or weak.
- Some people use it to sound smart when they don't actually know what they're talking about.
Just as self-sabotage can take countless forms, there are many ways this behavior can be caused and developed, and it is important to know:
- There is no single reason for self-sabotage.
- Searching for a simple answer is often a sign that you don't understand what self-sabotage is and what it takes to work through it.
- Some people use it judgmentally, as a form of criticism of someone they consider lazy or weak.
- Some people use it to sound smart when they don't actually know what they're talking about.
How to get rid of self sabotage
If you want to stop self-sabotaging, the key is to understand why you are doing it, the need it fills, and then be creative in identifying healthier, less destructive ways to meet that need. Here's a straightforward way to identify self-sabotaging behaviors and start fixing them for good:
- Understand the need that self-sabotage fills
Most people trying to stop self-sabotaging make the mistake of approaching it with a “tough on myself” attitude, telling themselves this is the time they finally get together and stop it all, but being “tough” with yourself is itself a form of sabotage. Self-sabotaging, because while it feels good in the moment, it usually leads you to miss out on the most important first step in overcoming self-sabotaging by understanding what self-sabotaging behavior needs, and you can't do that without some self-compassion.
Before you get hard on yourself and commit to change, be kind to yourself and commit to understanding. To recognize that self-sabotage serves a purpose, you must be able to hang judgment on the behavior's ultimate negative consequences, and be understanding enough to see that it serves a function, at least. In a limited period, only when you understand the need that self-sabotage fills will you be able to cultivate alternative behaviors to fill that need, and only when that need is otherwise met will you be able to let go of self-sabotage for good.
- Identify alternative healthy behaviors that meet that need
Once you have a clear understanding of what self-sabotage should fill in, the next step is to generate ideas for alternative behaviors that fulfill the need but in a way that doesn't hurt you as well. Often, just getting clarification on the underlying need will be enough to spark ideas for alternative behaviors, but in some cases Sometimes it takes more discovery and research, and one of the best ways to develop alternative behaviors is to study other people like you:
- First: Create a short list of other people you know who have similar circumstances, for example, if binging on junk food as a way to relieve work stress is the behavior you want to find an alternative to, make a list of other people you know who have high-stress jobs.
- Second : Communicate and do some research, ask them how they deal with work pressures, collect all these ideas that you find in a list.
- Finally : After doing your research with at least a few people and creating a list of possible alternatives, find the two or three that seem right to you and try them out, try one for a week or two and see how it goes, if it seems to help, double it up.
- Anticipate and plan for obstacles
Even if you identify a core need and the healthiest set of behaviors to address it, you still need to anticipate potential obstacles to using those new behaviors. If your alternative behavior to stress eating after work is to eat a small healthy snack instead of bingeing on junk food, it's easier to stick. They love new behaviors and good intentions when the circumstances are right, but if you want to eliminate self-sabotage for good, you also need to have a plan for the tough times.
- Promote tolerance for uncomfortable feelings
No matter how well you plan and strategically implement your new alternative behaviors, it will be emotionally difficult at times. Letting go of self-sabotage isn't just an intellectual problem of planning and strategy. It's a problem of emotional endurance. In order to form any new habit or combination of behaviors, you need to be able to tolerate discomfort, especially emotional discomfort, and this is true to replace self-sabotaging behaviors with healthy alternative behaviors, and the best way to practice building emotional tolerance is to start small:
- Identify the feelings that often arise when you let go of your old self-sabotaging behavior and seek a healthier alternative, for example: fear, frustration, sadness.
- Then, find other places in your life where these feelings appear in smaller doses.
- Instead of doing something right away to relieve or distract yourself from the feeling, practice it for a short period of time.
- Gradually build your tolerance for these feelings in other areas of your life and then practice doing the same with your healthy alternative behaviors.
- Clarify your values
This isn't the most necessary step to getting rid of self-sabotaging, but it's the most powerful. When you clarify your values and aspirations, the things that matter most to you in life, and then you associate your new, healthier behaviors with them, it's easier for them to take root and grow, leaving old self-sabotaging behaviors far in. the distance, the key. To articulate your values is to go beyond the superficial forms of your values and connect with the visceral form of your values.
If you want to stop self-sabotaging, the key is to understand why you are doing it, the need it fills, and then be creative in identifying healthier, less destructive ways to meet that need. Here's a straightforward way to identify self-sabotaging behaviors and start fixing them for good:
- Understand the need that self-sabotage fills
Most people trying to stop self-sabotaging make the mistake of approaching it with a “tough on myself” attitude, telling themselves this is the time they finally get together and stop it all, but being “tough” with yourself is itself a form of sabotage. Self-sabotaging, because while it feels good in the moment, it usually leads you to miss out on the most important first step in overcoming self-sabotaging by understanding what self-sabotaging behavior needs, and you can't do that without some self-compassion.
Before you get hard on yourself and commit to change, be kind to yourself and commit to understanding. To recognize that self-sabotage serves a purpose, you must be able to hang judgment on the behavior's ultimate negative consequences, and be understanding enough to see that it serves a function, at least. In a limited period, only when you understand the need that self-sabotage fills will you be able to cultivate alternative behaviors to fill that need, and only when that need is otherwise met will you be able to let go of self-sabotage for good.
- Identify alternative healthy behaviors that meet that need
Once you have a clear understanding of what self-sabotage should fill in, the next step is to generate ideas for alternative behaviors that fulfill the need but in a way that doesn't hurt you as well. Often, just getting clarification on the underlying need will be enough to spark ideas for alternative behaviors, but in some cases Sometimes it takes more discovery and research, and one of the best ways to develop alternative behaviors is to study other people like you:
- First: Create a short list of other people you know who have similar circumstances, for example, if binging on junk food as a way to relieve work stress is the behavior you want to find an alternative to, make a list of other people you know who have high-stress jobs.
- Second : Communicate and do some research, ask them how they deal with work pressures, collect all these ideas that you find in a list.
- Finally : After doing your research with at least a few people and creating a list of possible alternatives, find the two or three that seem right to you and try them out, try one for a week or two and see how it goes, if it seems to help, double it up.
- Anticipate and plan for obstacles
Even if you identify a core need and the healthiest set of behaviors to address it, you still need to anticipate potential obstacles to using those new behaviors. If your alternative behavior to stress eating after work is to eat a small healthy snack instead of bingeing on junk food, it's easier to stick. They love new behaviors and good intentions when the circumstances are right, but if you want to eliminate self-sabotage for good, you also need to have a plan for the tough times.
- Promote tolerance for uncomfortable feelings
No matter how well you plan and strategically implement your new alternative behaviors, it will be emotionally difficult at times. Letting go of self-sabotage isn't just an intellectual problem of planning and strategy. It's a problem of emotional endurance. In order to form any new habit or combination of behaviors, you need to be able to tolerate discomfort, especially emotional discomfort, and this is true to replace self-sabotaging behaviors with healthy alternative behaviors, and the best way to practice building emotional tolerance is to start small:
- Identify the feelings that often arise when you let go of your old self-sabotaging behavior and seek a healthier alternative, for example: fear, frustration, sadness.
- Then, find other places in your life where these feelings appear in smaller doses.
- Instead of doing something right away to relieve or distract yourself from the feeling, practice it for a short period of time.
- Gradually build your tolerance for these feelings in other areas of your life and then practice doing the same with your healthy alternative behaviors.
- Clarify your values
This isn't the most necessary step to getting rid of self-sabotaging, but it's the most powerful. When you clarify your values and aspirations, the things that matter most to you in life, and then you associate your new, healthier behaviors with them, it's easier for them to take root and grow, leaving old self-sabotaging behaviors far in. the distance, the key. To articulate your values is to go beyond the superficial forms of your values and connect with the visceral form of your values.